TO THE MOUNTAINS . . .

A few days ago I was at work and I came across a job posting in my company for a position. I see these often but when I saw this posting my whole body responded with excitement. The opening position is for the same job I do now only it is in Boulder Colorado. What?? In the mountains? I can't go. No way. . . But maybe. . .

I don't know if it will work out, or if I will get the position, but choosing to try it is a leap of faith into trusting my instincts. My body and heart opened and responded so clearly that to fail to attempt to achieve this position and move would be counter to all I believe in. I must trust. It is exciting isn't it! Listening to the voice from the spaces between worlds. 

Who I want to be

I think every day about my role on this Earth. I wonder how I am living up to the expectations my soul had in mind. Today I am especially sensitive to family. I have done years of work in therapy about my past. I fear that I am a little crazy, but mostly I am crazy about life and the pursuit of truth in feeling and emotion. I had an argument with a family member yesterday about their role in my past and I became aware of how important it is to build trust. We didn't have trust and so we had an un-productive argument about who was responsible for what. Thinking back I can't help but wonder if honesty about ones emotions, without trust, is bound to be unresolved. Resolution for me will come when the table is clear of hidden pain and secrets. An emotion hidden is a playing field for war and suffering. With oneself and with others.
I want to be free of pain, free of secrets and free of the darkness that binds the fear that plagues the unwary.

Summer

My life is like a series of waves, pushing toward shore with a never ceasing persistence and power. Sometimes I surprise myself by noticing that I am trying to change those waves, trying to overcome their push toward land. In other words, I am aware that I become out of sync when I try to change the inevitable flow of my life. I notice that I am out of control. I am not really, just loosing my bearings and loosing my focus.

A few things have helped me through this. One, my wife. I didn't think on it much before I got married what would change in my relationship. I didn't know our marriage would make us both stronger and more powerful when we work together. The second thing is Group therapizing. I worked with a woman who used a group format to teach how to have healthy relationships. Her website is www.ethicalife.com/.

Now I find myself a college student, and I say the busyness of the semester is my building tolerance. What else is it when I go to school for two 13 hour days, work 30 hours a week and study the remaining hours, but an opportunity to build mental and intellectual endurance. Just as an alcoholic parties and drinks to free their minds from suffering, so to do they build tolerance.

Being on summer break I realize the true benefits of this process. Through the trials and challenges I faced in my classes, General Chemistry and Calculus I, I learned to persevere. My wife is getting me back for a few months and we are reaping the rewards of connection, long partitioned but not lost.

Fling the doubt, light as rose petals, 

Onto the table, remember it's pain. 

Capture a feared-thing, at last. 

Seek it's heart, find it's no metal, 

Onto the table, it can't sustain. 

Surrender a feared-thing, its past. 

Knowing the part, trusting a little, 

Your truths table, it's reign. 

Fear not the things that are cast.